term relationship feel like trapping a wild animal?
I believe an understanding of basic male psychology can give you an edge. I’m going to share some home truths to give you a fresh perspective on how men view women and commitment.
Who is Tia Truthteller?
I’m a wife and mom, and I love to study the dynamics of relationships:what makes people come together and stay together. I’m not a dating coach or a celebrity your typical relationship book author—but we all know they aren’t the only ones with great information to share and stories to tell. No, I don’t make dating “rules,” but I share my relationship opinions, my “truths” that I’ve learned along the way.
My mission is to pass this information on to help marriage-minded young women realize their goal.
Because even though dating today seems like the lawless Wild West, young women do have many sources of power within them they can tap into as they navigate through to find a partner. My passion is sisterhood and women helping women. It’s in that spirit that I’ve collected and share my truths…what I wish I’d known back then. Sit back and enjoy.
2 The Commitment Stairway
When I talk about “taking a relationship to the next level”, I see it as a progression up what I call the “Commitment Stairway”. The friend zone is at the base, then if a romantic relationship develops and deepens, you can become a girlfriend, fiancée and finally a wife. The process of rising from one level to the next is what I call an “upshift”.
These intermediate relationship levels and titles matter
Commitment 101 (at least my version) teaches that someone who is unable to commit to the little things is not ready or able to commit to the bigger ones. If you want to eventually be a wife, you’re not going to have a future with someone who won’t claim you and call you his girlfriend. In public. Refusal to give relationships proper labels is just a way to keep one’s options open with a clear conscience.
Refusal to give relationships proper labels is just a way to keep one’s options open with a clear conscience.
It’s important to understand that now, more than ever, people have varying ideas about what actually constitutes a relationship; whether it’s cool to see other people if you’re not exclusive, and even if seeing each other exclusively implies you’re girlfriend and boyfriend.
Now I know some of you think the terms “girlfriend” and “boyfriend” sound juvenile, but I’m using them here because there’s no doubt about what they mean. In any case…
Clear communication is a must!
It starts with Defining the Relationship (DTR) talk which ensures you both know and agree you’re in an intentional, real relationship. Because in today’s
commitment-phobic dating climate you’ve got to have conversations to verify whether that what you see as a relationship milestone, he sees as one too.
You may double date with other couples. You may spend all your free time together, at his place or yours. However, in the Land of Men, you may look like a girl- friend, act like a girlfriend and (worst of all) consider yourself a girlfriend, but in his mind you may simply be two consenting adults enjoying each others’ company, no strings attached. It’s all good, right?
One of my a-ha moments came when I discovered that to men, it’s not “wasting your time” if you were both having fun.
This is the reason why the “I’ll show him how nice and chill I can be till he comes round method” backfires while your self-esteem takes a beating. Neglecting the DTR talk can also leave you in a place of awful, self-doubting uncertainty. It’s bad enough experiencing feelings of jealousy or disrespect without having to figure out if you’re justified or over-reacting! Defining our relationships defines our roles. Defining our roles means a better understanding of our boundaries and less hurt feelings. And I wouldn’t be doing you a favor if I left out the honest truth: if he’s not willing to put a title on it, either he’s just not that into you or he’s not afraid of losing you.
3 The Commitment Formula
Now we understand the levels of commitment, let’s talk about the forces that move men up the stairs. It’s important you understand that relationships won’t al- ways progress to the next level of commitment. Here’s how I look at it.
The Men’s Commitment Formula
In order to rise to the next level on the Commitment Stairway, you need:
1.An emotionally available man
2.A woman he perceives as valuable
3.The right timing and
4.A reason to upshift.
Let’s go over these factors one by one.
Factor #1: Emotionally Available Men
Emotionally available men are guys who aren’t necessarily looking for, but are open to the possibility of a relationship. You discover them through the process of deduction…by weeding out the ones who tell you through their words or actions that they just aren’t someone you can build anything with. It’s a process of deduction that involves watching for clues. Most men will give you verbal and nonverbal information about this but (and this is a big but): you’ve got to be open to receive it, even if it’s not what you wanted to hear.
Common Signs He’s Emotionally Unavailable
•He tells you he wants to keep things casual
•He tells you monogamy isn’t realistic
•He tells you he just got out of a relationship
•When you ask him when he last had a girlfriend, he says he doesn’t like
“labels”
•He says he doesn’t understand the appeal of marriage or even being ac-
countable to a partner
Run if you see any of these at the start. Not because he’s a bad guy necessarily, but because these are clear signals he’s not looking for anything deep. Keep hang- ing around him and he could find his way into your heart through the back door-a recipe for heartbreak. Truth be told, many men say these things as a form of “dating full disclosure”; a way of being honest. As far as they’re concerned, they’ve given to you straight. Should you choose to continue, you do so at your own risk.
You might come across the following traits later, which could overlap with “Signs He Might Be Someone Else’s Man”
•When you call him he usually texts back (assuming you’re not blowing up
his phone)
•He’s always making excuses about why he can’t see you in person
•You can’t depend on him to do what he says he will
•You’ve never been to his place
•He doesn’t care to meet your closest friends or family and doesn’t inten-
tionally introduce you to his
•He makes vague plans with you that never actually come to pass
•He seeks you out mainly for sex or texts you after hours
•He avoids conversations with you about a shared future
You probably have some of your own to add.
II Give Him a Reason to Upshift
I don’t believe in begging or forcing men-just show them why it’s a good idea, within a time limit you set. These tips are multitaskers. They will give him an incentive to upshift, keep your relationship from feeling stale and they’ll help protect your heart and as you open it up looking for love!
4 Beware Sex too Soon
The Effect of Sex on your Budding Relationship
You’re body is your business but you need to be aware that both the relationship dynamic and your perspective will probably shift once sex is introduced. There’s two sorts of connections you can have with a man-emotional and physical. While the physical one can keep him coming around, it’s the emotional one that inspires him to upshift to the next level of commitment.
A sexual bond doesn’t have to lead to an emotional one
If you don’t possess enough of the traits he considers valuable, then having sex before establishing an emotional connection can anchor your relationship in the physical. It can make him see you as a great girl- for fun. Not impossible though, if
he thinks of you as A Woman of Value to him .
The Effect of Sex on a Woman’s Emotions
Science shows that sex floods the female brain with oxytocin-also called the “bonding” hormone. It makes us want to stay close. It fuels our desire for more, and for a relationship. It also slots rose-colored glasses over our eyes that obscure all sorts of red flags. You don’t want anything getting in the way of the good vibes you’re getting.
For men, sex doesn’t necessarily awaken their urge for anything more than more sex- particularly when he hasn’t (yet) found you to be a woman of value.
This unbalanced situation manifests in you as insecurity, neediness and desperation. YUCK! This isn’t empowering for you or attractive to him. With this in mind, it makes sense to try and build an emotional connection before becoming physically intimate. Sex is a Point of No Return in relationships.
You are Responsible for Setting your Limits
In the meantime, take responsibility for defining and defending your boundaries. Don’t be a tease or allow yourself to get into compromising situations where you depend on him to apply the brakes. The likelihood he’ll want sex is high. The like- lihood he wants anything deeper is much lower when he’s just met you. What I’m saying is his interests and yours are different, so you’ve got to rely on your judgement, not his!
Moving from the Friend Zone
If you find your relationship developing and deepening, after a while it’s logical to talk about when to take down any online dating profiles or whether you both think it’s still cool to date other people. This gives you a good segue into the Defining the Relationship talk. Research by John T. Molloy, author of “Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others” has found that generally speaking, women see themselves as dating after 2 to 3 dates while it takes men 4 to 6. They are slow- er to pull in their net and stop looking. Whatever the case, my personal belief is after 3 months, he ought to know what he wants from you, and you should sense if he’s into you enough to give you what you want from him.
5 Slow your Roll: Build Relationships Measure by Measure
The excitement that comes with a new relationship-or even the possibility of one-is sweet and heady. Could it be your innermost wish coming true? It might. Then again, it might not. Only time will tell, and time you must give.
The Trap of Too Much Too Soon
As women, our relationships with others are always on our minds. We’re prone to what I call “FutureThinking”. This is where our minds fast forward through the dating phase and imagine what it would feel like to be “Mrs. X”. Before you know it, we’ve got a movie trailer of our future married life running through our heads. It’s based on the romom films we love that climax in a charming wedding reception as the credits roll. I call it our “Happy Ending Movie”:
But no matter what’s going on in your head, you’ve got to pace yourself in real life.
You might be tempted to tease his existence on your social media. Or bombard him with texts throughout the day to check in. Or leave things at his house if you stay over.
These sound like sweet innocent gestures that draw us closer. Sure, in bonafide relationships. But for an emotionally uninvested man still making up his mind about you, these can make him suspicious and uncomfortable. It’s just too much. Remember those 4 to 6 dates? He’s going to need space and time to decide if this what he really wants.
If you give too much, too soon or without equal effort from them first, they assume you must be needy or desperate…not really a prize.
Tips for Pacing Yourself
Keep your Interactions Balanced
Follow his lead and see it like a tennis match. If he serves up a text you, return it with one of yours. He calls, same thing. You’re not ignoring him, you’re not playing games. This isn’t playing hard to get. This is just responding to his effort. And his effort level is a measure of his interest and availability. Pace yourself till he puts the effort in and then respond in proportion. An emotional attachment may or may not develop, but if it does, then and only then does he become invested and become a man you can truthfully say you’re in a two-sided relationship with.
keep talking to other guys, even if you find you’re clicking with one.
Talking to Mr. B gives your mind other things to think about, boosts your confidence and increases your social ease. I also think it helps raise your threshold for tolerating bad behavior. It definitely tempers the disappointment you feel if and when it becomes clear you and Mr. A aren’t going to work out.
Build your relationships measure by measure in proportion to the emotional effort a guy actually puts in, not based on what you feel your relationship has the potential to be.
6 Avoid “Saturation”
“I like this so much, I want more. I want to take this to the next level.” That’s how we feel before an upshift. This is why dating coaches say the best way to make him want more is to leave him wanting more. Saturated men are less likely to feel the need to upshift.
vertexting can Suppress his Desire to Actually meet You in Real Life
Did you know you can saturate a guy before you ever meet? Many millennials communicate primarily by text which makes communication effortless. But even if you’re hitting it off, I don’t recommend going deep back and forth for hours by text-textathons-especially when you haven’t yet met in person. I know it’s thrilling to learn more about your crush, but you’ve got to look at the long game. A high frequency of communication can eat away at the sense of novelty that surrounds you and this sense of novelty is something you’ll only have in the beginning. Have a phone call and figure out if there’s enough interest on both sides to warrant a meet up. Then cut down on the texting till then. You want him to actually feel the urge to take it offline in order to learn more. What’s that girl up to? Is he missing out? Should he check in with her?He’ll never get the chance to wonder if you’re the one always checking in.
Textathons can also repel a guy if he gets the impression you’re the kind of woman who needs his contact all through the day to feel good. Don’t give him the chance to label you as needy and clingy .
Structuring your Life Around Him can Saturate him Quicker
Have a Gracious Attitude as He Goes about Living his Life.
It’s your absence that reinforces your place in his life Plus, it gives you a lot more interesting things to talk about when you do get together. The bottom line is, you’ve both got to maintain your life, keep up your friends and have a life outside of each other. Give him a reason to want to make the next level of commitment with you-to upshift so he’ll be a part of that life.
7 Don’t Offer Constant Benefits he Hasn’t Earned
While there’s an epidemic of men unwilling to put a title on things, there’s also no shortage of women who aren’t official girlfriends taking up girlfriend duties for open ended periods of time. No pressure, just going with the flow in a state of “chill”. She hopes one day he’ll realize what he has in her. If he samples long enough, he might eventually be moved to “buy”. But how long is she going to give him?
Remember how I explained the need for us to pace ourselves to allow men the space and time to decide what they want? Well, it’s your job to put a limit on that time. Dating is like sampling. Sure, stores give you free samples. But would they ever really sell anything if samples were unlimited?
Even if a man loves you, he may not see the need to upshift the relationship if he’s content or already getting everything he wants.
This applies at every level of the Commitment Stairway, but let’s talk about sim- ply getting into the Girlfriend zone. The way a commitment-phobic man sees it, if a girl he likes has closed herself off to other dating options without a higher level of commitment from him, then does he really need to upshift and claim her as his “girlfriend”? Plus, he sees himself as free to explore his options, because, hey, “we never discussed being in a committed relationship”.
If you’re in a title free situation-a “situationship”-acting like a girlfriend, then don’t let that state of affairs drag on too long.
Don’t be afraid to cut things off: The Shoe in the Window
You know how you go shoe shopping and try on a great pair of heels but don’t get them because they cost more than you’re prepared to spend? Then you go home and can’t stop thinking about how good they looked on you? You figure out ways to justify the purchase. You think about the joy they’ll bring and how they’ll set off that killer outfit you already have. If they were that good, honey, soon enough you’ll find your way back to the store praying no one’s snagged them yet. What just happened?
Experiencing life without those shoes gave you the time and space to prepare yourself to spend.
8 Be Thoughtful about Living Together
On the next level up, many live-in girlfriends remain in wife-like roles for years. They could be offering up all the benefits of a wife a man who essentially has no motivation to get married, officially lose his freedom and risk losing half in a divorce!
Even if he is faithful and the freedom is just in his head, the simple knowledge he’s free to leave anytime gives him peace of mind. Many people feel it’s important to see if you can live together before making the biggest of commitments-marriage. Many women see it as proof of relationship progression.
“We’re on track to marriage!”
Not so fast. Moving in together does not necessarily put you on the marriage track. It’s not a marriage test drive unless both of you agree it is.
Talk about what moving in together accomplishes for you both…a means or an end?
Please understand to a man, moving in means a certain limitation of freedom, and probably an exclusive relationship, but not necessarily imminent marriage. He could have lot of reasons to do it:
•It could be because it’s convenient since you’re already together so much
•or because it would help save money
•or because he thinks it’s what you want and it’ll help him buy more time
with you
•because he can ditch the condoms and hopefully enjoy the benefits of hav-
ing a woman’s touch in his home
•or (God forbid!) what if your man believes in soulmates but you’re not
his? You could be part of a comfortable live-in holding pattern for him till he meets someone he likes more.
And no matter what, maintain separate residences if:
•You don’t trust each other
•Communication with each other is difficult
•You already fight a lot
•One of you is legally married to someone else
•You’ve been a couple less than 6 months
•There is emotional or physical abuse
•One of you has serious mental health or addiction issues
So there you have it-Tia’s Top 5 Ways to give him a reason to move your relationship to the next level. If your emotional connection is strong enough and if there is actually a need to upshift the relationship in order to get more benefits, then he’s much more likely to.
In closing, I wish you much dating success-the confidence to stand up for the future you want and the discernment to spend your time and love on those who show they truly care. Not every relationship will be worth upshifting. And remember, ladies: understanding men is not playing games!
