How to Win Friends and Influence People

Part One: Fundamental Techniques in Handling People 

When wishing to establish and build a relationship with others, different techniques are employed, each depending on the current situation. While engaged in interaction, it is necessary to approach it rationally, analyzing both ourselves and others at the same time. 

There are three different techniques that can be employed in order to do so: 

1. Strive not to condemn, complain or criticize 

Generally speaking, people do not like to hear criticisms or feel their work is rejected. It is thus necessary to give feedback without making others feel you are doing so. Progress will not be made by means of condemnation. It would be better to strive to look at a situation from their point of view. 

If you complain, criticize or condemn someone, you open yourself to the same. 

2. When showing appreciation be sincere and honest. 

When you are congratulated on doing a job well, it makes you feel good, but it needs to be honest, otherwise it will be perceived as being dishonest and an insult. 

Ridicule and criticism does not have the same effect as appreciation that is heartfelt. 

3. Create an eager need 

Part Two: Six Ways to Make People Like You 

There are six steps, as presented by Dale Carnegie, in order to do so. We tend to forget them when we get caught up in the rush of everyday living. Once liked, it is easier to ask people for a favor or to have a conversation with some- one. If you apply the six steps, though, the greater your chances will be of improving your relationships. 

1. Show a genuine interest in others 

People tend to like talking about what matters most to them: themselves. If you talk to people about themselves, they tend to open up to you. The first step in any relationship is communication. 

2. Smile 

A smile costs nothing, yet can lead too much, as it serves to make anyone’s day shine. People tend to respond to it without thinking. Being around a happy person tends to make one smile, so when you first meet someone, smile a lot. We tend to judge others pretty much when we first meet them, and if you smile, you create a positive impression. 

3. Use their names 

If you use a person’s name while talking to them, they tend to listen more closely, as they perceive that what you are saying is meant for them, and they feel you see them as being important. 

4. Listen 

“People who talk only of themselves think only of themselves and those people who think only of themselves are hopelessly uneducated.” 

Ask question, encourage, and allow others to vocalize. 

5. Keep others’ interests at heart 

Besides talking about themselves, people tend to talk about their interests, and allowing them to do so will allow you to learn more about them. 

6. Make others feel important – sincerely 

The foundation of any great relationship s good communication, thus using the different principles mentioned would enable good communication. Inter- est, however, needs to be sincere. A conversation that is forced is easily identified. If your intent is genuine, however, reciprocation follows and respect is given. 

Part Three: How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking 

Getting things the way we want them is human, and negative results are achieved when one is not sensitive in your communication with others. People, in general, tend to feel hurt when they feel their feelings are not being considered. It is best to avoid conversations that are egocentric in order to allow everyone the opportunity of free expression. This leads to a positive response to you. 

There are 12 principles to take into consideration when you wish to influence people: 

1. To win an argument, avoid it. 

Avoidance is the best manner in which to deal with any argument, as an argument and discussion is not the same thing. Even in the event you may win an argument, you lose, because in winning, you destroy any possible relationship you may have built up with someone else. You would also lose the respect to those who might have witnessed it. It is therefore best to avoid them, and rather work through problems by means of discussion. 

2. Respect others’ opinions 

People do not appreciate the feeling of being rejected as this has a lasting, negative effect on any possible relationship you might have had. You do not, however, always have to agree with everything someone says, but it is a better scenario to discuss an issue than telling someone point blank they are wrong. It should thus never be a scenario whereby two parties are pitted against each other, but rather one where it is two parties pitted against the problem at hand, finding a common solution. 

3. Admit when you are wrong 

Swallowing your pride when you realize you are at fault can be daunting, but if you are, it is best to admit to it immediately. This could actually improve your overall image, while allowing you to move forward in search of a solution. 

4. Start out by being friendly 

Start as you mean to continue, as this sets the scene for the rest of the conversation. Never try to force your own opinion on others as this will ensure a conversation that stays on track, is interesting, and enjoyed by all. 

5. Get the other person to agree 

The ‘Socratic Method’ is a technique in conversation making that is based on the other person saying ‘yes’. This establishes a rapport and is the result of a positive interaction. People will agree with you if they see you agree with them – it is a natural state of affairs. 

6. Let the other person do most of the talking 

When striving to get others to see your point of view, the best method is to allow them to do the majority of the talking, as, when they do so, they feel they have had a lot of input. By doing this, they, at some point, starting thinking that it was their idea while they have actually only concurred with you.  

7. Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers 

People tend to resent those who constantly seek credit for their ideas, even though it might be a great feeling to remind them your ideas paved the way to success. By letting the results speak for themselves, people will take notice of you. 

8. Try seeing things from a different perspective 

If you see things from someone else’s viewpoint and empathize with them, you see problems as well as solutions in a different light, while at the same time broadening your own horizons. You need to take their experience, beliefs, background and personality into consideration, as well as how they are affected. At times the most acceptable solution is better than the best one. 

9. Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires 

By having sympathy for another, you show that you are not only interested in what you can get out of them. Be open to others’ ideas and efforts, while trying to understand where they are coming from. 

10. Appeal to the nobler motives 

Do not judge a book by its cover as far as people go. Never make a judgment call immediately after meeting someone new; approach people as if they were new friends as well as honest people. This attracts people and makes you more interesting to know. 

11. Dramatize your ideas 

People adore stories, and by dramatizing yours a little, they tend to listen more earnestly. At times, your delivery is more important than the point you wish to make. 

12. Put down a challenge 

Generally speaking, people like being challenged as they are naturally competitive. They tend to work harder when challenged, especially when part of a team. It is also a good way to form people into a cohesive unit. 

Part Four: Be a Leader: How to Change People without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment 

Any project’s success is dependent on the leader. He should be someone that can encourage others to do their jobs to the best of their abilities by encouraging positive work attitudes. There are nine principles as set out by Dale Carnegie in order to do so: 

1. Begin with praise and honest appreciation. 

When you start out the day by receiving a compliment from your leader, your mood automatically improves and you tend to conduct yourself in a more professional and efficient manner. 

2. Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly. 

When criticized in front of your peers, you are embarrassed. It also reflects poorly on the person who is doing the criticizing, as they are portrayed as being both inconsiderate and insensitive, thereby destroying any chances you may have had of fostering good relationships. All criticism should be done in private and in a peaceful manner. 

3. Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person. 

If you explain your own mistakes before highlighting someone else’s, it fosters a feeling of trust and serves to lessen any negative impact your statements may make. People are also more likely to take what you say to heart, as you have shown that although you may be someone in a position of authority, you are also human. 

4. Ask questions instead of giving direct orders. 

If someone feels they have been stripped of their dignity the end result is not the desired intent. People need to feel they have saved face. A leader needs always to keep in mind that they are not in a competition with someone, and that they should strive to build people up, not the opposite, by showing them that you feel they are a valuable asset and not a liability. Even when the other per- son is wrong, they need to understand they are not judged, that anyone can make a mistake, and they need to walk away feeling valued. 

Core Principles 

Fundamental Techniques in Handling People 

Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain.  

Give honest and sincere appreciation.  

Arouse in the other person an eager want. 

Ways to Make People Like You 

Become genuinely interested in other people 

Smile 

Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in the world 

Be a good listener. Encourage people to talk about themselves. 

Talk to people about their interests, not your own 

Make the other person feel important – but do it sincerely 

How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking 

The only way to win an argument is to avoid it. 

Never say “you’re wrong”. Show respect for other people’s opinions. 

If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically. 

Begin each conversation in a friendly way. 

Get the other person saying “Yes, Yes”. 

Let the other person do all the talking 

Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers 

Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view. 

Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires. 

Appeal to the nobler motives 

Dramatize your ideas 

Throw down a challenge 

Be a Leader: How to Change People without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment 

Begin with praise and honest appreciation 

Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly. 

Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person 

Ask questions instead of giving direct orders 

Let the other person save face 

Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.” 

Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to. 

use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct. 

Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest. 

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